My Brave Sailor

So, if you know me at all you know that I don’t have the greatest relationship with my sister. We argue, we get on each others’ nerves, we have trust issues, but I would not trade her for any other woman in the world.

If you know my family at all, you know I come from a heritage of fighters. I come from Navy men, football men, farming men, wrestling men, pioneering men, strong men. Despite the fact my dad only had daughters, the strength gene did not dissipate. My two sisters are the strongest women I know. We do not allow anyone to push us around, tell us what to do, or manipulate us. We may not be the fittest, most athletic, or coordinated group, but I would rather have Becca and Kaeli covering my back during a fight than any other two people–especially Bec.

Becca joined the Navy a couple weeks ago. She leaves for boot camp in a few months and is more ready than anyone I have ever met. Some people need the Navy to teach them discipline, passion, and loyalty, but my sister is the bravest most passionate person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I can recall more than one time in our childhood where I was taking punches (both figuratively and literally) and she stepped in with a bravado that no one could match or overcome.

Despite all our arguing and power struggles with each other, I do not know anyone who loves me more than that girl. I know I can count on her for anything and she will never abandon me. She has had so many chances to run away and escape situations she did not need to face in the last few years, but my brave sailor has never backed down. She always returns home, always forgives, always loves.

It is kinda pathetic to me that I have to write a blog to express my feelings about how great she is, but that is how it has always been. I get my feelings, passions, and thoughts out through writing; I fail miserably when I try to talk them out. Becca, on the other hand, never had a problem with that. She lets everyone know how she feels through her spoken word and can argue you down to nothing. She thinks quickly on her feet and rushes into things head-first with no looking back: EVER.

The Navy is a better institution for having Rebecca as a part of it. Her bravery, loyalty, and ferocity of spirit will only be greater and enhanced by the opportunity to let it flourish as a part of the Armed Forces of America.

Validation

I would like to preface this blog with the fact that I know I am SO incredibly blessed. Despite our issues, I have a great family. My job is satisfactory and I love my coworkers. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive to work, and clothes that aren’t too shabby. I have so much, but I still want so much more.

My entire life I have been taught to achieve all I can, then dream for more. I have never been a “natural” at anything I have attempted–I am good at swimming and writing, but not excellent and definitely not without extreme effort. I even have to work hard at this thing called “love.” I am not just talking about the man and woman-type love, but all kinds: friendship, family, romantic, and spiritual. The only type that comes naturally to me is leadership love and that is because I can earn it. Due to me having to earn my grades, athletic ability, and respect by hard work there is an extreme desire I have to earn love as well. When I am leading a group of people I feel as though I worked for the love they have for me; therefore it is real.

I am constantly looking for validation that my work and efforts have been worth it. If I do not move up in my job it has to be because it is my choice and not because I am incapable. When I worked for the Dining Crew at WSU I was told I needed to apply for student manager by all of my coworkers, but I was more interested in furthering my position at the Writing Center and moving up in that job, so I did not even try. I have only been working for Starbucks for a little over a month and I am already anticipating moving up to Shift Supervisor, even though there is no indication that my manager or supervisors are that impressed with my work. I figure, if I try hard enough then there is no reason I will not succeed to the highest potential possible. 

You may be thinking to yourself “that doesn’t sound too bad, or like she is ungrateful. Danica just knows what she wants and pursues it.” I wish you were right. From the bottom of my heart I wish that my heart’s desires stemmed from simply knowing I have the ability to achieve the stars. Sadly, it is not the competence that causes the ambition, but the self-centeredness of thinking I deserve it; I am a selfish, stuck-up being who loves the spotlight.

I try to pretend I don’t thrive off of compliments like “wow, you’re getting really fast at making drinks,” or “you’re learning really fast for a new person,” or “your writing is fantastic,” but if you know me at all you know that those things appease my selfish heart more than cards and candy. 

My pride will be my downfall and I really think it has to do a lot with why I am not working the 65K+ job I assumed I would get straight out of college. My pride is something I have to die to every day and it is not the “okay, I am not going to think about it” type of death, but a need to check myself every hour. 

Not Mine to Give

So, it’s a quarter to 3am and I’m awake. I went to bed about 4 hours ago, fell asleep, but now I’m up again. I gave up trying to sleep and have instead decided to write a blog.

For the hour that I was trying to make myself go back to sleep I was trying to imagine what it might be like if I saw one of three of my major crushes again.

Okay, this whole “being coy and not saying the name” thing is getting old, as the people who would take the time to read this blog probably know who I’m talking about anyway. Honestly, so few people read what I write in here that it’s really not that big of a deal, so I’m just going to be straight up and honest about who I’m talking about.

There are only three guys who I have ever been absolutely head-over-heels for in my life. I have had other crushes and interests, but these are the ones that I really thought could have been something. Their names are Danny, Jesse, and Joey. Yes, the irony that they have the same names as the guys in Full House has not been lost on me.

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Anyway, while still being open (maybe because it’s 3:15am or maybe I just need to stop being as serious as I pretend to be), as I was trying to go to back to sleep after waking up at 1:45, I was imagining seeing Joey at a random place in Portland when I go there with Sarah and Hannah in a couple weeks. He would catch me off-guard as I was walking with my friends on the boardwalk and would say hi and we would hug and… well, that was as far as my imagination would take me.

As I could not dream any further, I decided to pray. I thanked God for the way He’s been looking out for my family so much in the last couple weeks and asked Him to look after Joey, whether he turns out to be the guy for me or not. Then I started praying that He would guard my heart and give it in its entirety to a man of Jesus’ choosing.

It was then that it hit me that this heart is not mine to give. When I asked Jesus Christ to be the Lord and Savior of my life, I gave Him my heart and soul to do with what He would. If He chooses to keep it for Himself alone, I will praise Him. If He decides to give second place to a man, then I will rejoice. This has nothing to do with Jesse or Danny or even Joey and the impacts each of these guys have had on my life, but it has everything to do with them at the same time. No matter how much I tried or wanted to transcend my awkward tendencies, I was never given any of these guys.

I always thought it was something that I did or said that ruined potential relationships, and it was, but there is a beautiful peace that comes with knowing it just wasn’t the right time with any of them. My heart is not mine to give and I know that I did not consult its Knight and Guardian before deciding to fall hard and fast for these guys. Prayer and asking God for His Will is something I am really bad at doing, but this time of rest, of no potential men in my life, of fellowship with old friends, of few distractions, is a time for me to learn.

Soli Deo Gloria

Stuck Intro

The story of a princess waiting in a tower and prince coming to rescue her is a classic. Girls like it because it symbolizes a man willing to overcome everything, even a dragon, to come and rescue her from being alone. Guys like it because there’s fighting and being a hero.

You have heard the story from an ogre’s point of view and from an omnipotent narrator’s voice, but it is rarely seen through the princess’s eyes.

I am here to tell that story. My name is Josette and I am not quite sure how I ended up in this tower, but I am here and have been as long as I can remember. Before I begin my story there are a few logistics that you need to know which few fairytale tellers seem to address.

First, being a princess locked in a tower is not an uncommon thing. For some reason, around here–instead of getting a nursemaid like most nobility–kings and queens stick their daughters in towers with a dragon. Yeah, it’s strange, but that’s how they do it and we really do not have a choice.

Secondly, just because all of us are stuck in towers does not mean that we all stay there very long. Most of my fellows got out by the time they were sixteen years old. Some daft prince comes along who thinks himself in love, rescues her, and takes her off into the world. The princesses do not always marry the prince who “rescued” them in the first place, but they take the escape when it is offered and deal with the consequences later.

The third and final thing that most people do not realize about princesses locked in towers is that the prince really is not really rescuing us. We can get out of the tower any time we want; we just have to stay within the kingdom. In fact, that is normally how we meet our princes: we’ll be wandering around the market in the nearest town–just minding our own business–and meet one of them. We let them know where we live and then go home to our dragon-infested tower. Within the next week there’s usually some kind of commotion outside with the prince thinking he’s some buff, strong man that can defeat the dragon–usually it just flies away to guard another princess–and then we ride away with him into Happily Ever After.

Yeah, it is a lot less magical when you look at the real thing and how it occurs. I can tell you, my story is even less romantic than what I just described. I cannot even promise a prince and happily ever after to you. I can promise you adventure, dragons, a princess stuck in a tower, and the anticipation of being rescued, though.

If you’re ready to hear my story, I’m ready to tell it.

I am finally ready to let you all know how it feels to be stuck.

Heroes

Most people have a superhero. Whether it is a tangible person or a character out of a DC comic book. I have many people I consider heroes in my life who have rescued me from fates worse than death, but sometimes a person needs that hero of the heart–a figurehead who represents all things good, but is still human with no extraordinary powers.

For me that person is King Arthur Pendragon.

He has always been the brokenhearted man who drew me in with his integrity, strength, and devotion to God. My heart hurts when I think of the betrayal he suffered at the hands of his wife and son.

The thing is, no matter how much I love him, Arthur is the prime example of what happens when someone puts worldly things above God. If he had held back his lust he would have never fathered the child who destroyed his kingdom. If he had listened to wise counsel and, again, suppressed his lust he would have never married the wrong woman who destroyed him as a person.

No matter what is said about Arthur, no matter how good of a man he was or how devoted to Christ he claimed to be, he put other things first.

God is meant to be first in our lives: above our friends, family, and lovers. It is something we forget often because the rest of creation looks for a worldly love. They look for satisfaction from men, but there is a love so much greater than they will ever know.

We need to stop buying into the lie that the love from a person is the greatest. You can use the excuse that a person is more tangible than an invisible entity, but I have known that love and it is more real than the weak reflection that is seen among men.

King Arthur Pendragon is my hero, but he was only a man. It is okay to have heroes, but make sure they are heroes alone and do not take the place of a God that will never leave you nor forsake you.

Soli Deo Gloria

Unashamed

I was thinking about my desire to travel. The fact that I want to one day see the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China, Big Ben, and the Roman Coliseum.

One thing that truly gets to me and sticks with me that many of my college friends have said goes something like this, ”Say you’re from Canada when you visit. People don’t like Americans so you’ll get treated better if you say you’re from Canada.”

Pardon my language, but WHY THE HELL do I CARE???? If I didn’t want to be looked down upon because of who I am then I would NEVER say that I am a Christ follower. I would never say I am a Conservative and believe marriage is between ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN. I would never say I’m a Seahawks fan outside of Seattle, I would never call myself a Coug, I would never say I enjoy hunting and eating the meat of an innocent animal.

People are going to hate me no matter what and how DARE you tell me I should be ashamed of my country???

We are currently living in an apathetic country overrun with hipsters and people who think it’s ”cool” to be embarrassed by their likes and where they come from. Have you NOT noticed that the strongest countries consist of people who believe in it, believe in it’s power and support what it stands for?

People have killed and BEEN killed because of their belief in this ”One Nation, Under GOD.” You have heard it a thousand times: people have been sacrificing their lives for the last two hundred plus years to defend your right bash your country, but do YOU care???? NO! You would rather reject the country that gave you that freedom and shove the sacrifice those people made for CONVENIENCE!!!!

The scariest thing about this is that I have heard it not just from the people who have no solid convictions or beliefs, but from people who I thought I respected in their walk with Christ and their standards. People who claim to have a personal relationship with Christ should feel the most convicted about this of anyone.

Denying your country is second only to denying your God. The sad part is, it’s easier to dismiss Christ than it is your country. By simply looking at your passport someone could see you ARE a US citizen no matter what your words say. No one can prove that you are a Christian by a piece of paper.

If you are going to reject something that you really can’t, what is going to stop you from later on denying a belief that cannot be proven by anyone on earth???

I am not saying that simply because you refuse to say you’re an American that you will not call yourself a Christian when the time comes, but it DOES put you on a slippery slope of thinking only of convenience.

 

I will NEVER tell anyone I am from Canada.

I will NEVER reject my Conservative beliefs because it offends someone.

I will NOT take off my Crimson and Gray or Blue and Green because we lose football games.

I REFUSE to ever hide that I believe in the ONE TRUE God of heaven and earth.

Matthew 10:33 “But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.”

Soli Deo Gloria

My Desires

So, I know three couples who got engaged this last weekend and one that got married. 

I can’t even express how happy I am for these men and women and I would never wish anything but happiness for their future lives together. However, all these rings and pictures are making me think of what I really want in life.

I thought that I wanted adventure and to travel extensively and not be attached–and I still am interested in doing all the crazy things I’ve planned in my wildest dreams–but my heart is changing. For the first time in my life it REALLY hit me that I am the most selfish person on the planet. I don’t ever think of what God could be doing in my life, but what will be the most impressive. What can I do that will make people go “wow.” I want to show people that I can be impressive. I want to lose weight because I am under the delusion that maybe my friend will want to take ONE picture of me at that wedding. I want to travel and have cool things to say because maybe that entire group of friends will actually want to be around me instead of just one or two of them.

I’m always convinced that if I was a little cooler, a little skinnier, and little more careless and impressive then they will want to be around me. My angle to achieve this was to be the single one. The one who’s okay with never getting married or even dating because I’m so busy traveling and being awesome that no one would feel pity for me.

I am so worried about impressing other people with the fact that they can’t hold me back that I have pushed God to the side and only address His glory being a factor as a secondary thing.

THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!!

God’s glory has to be my sole desire in life and not what other people think.

If you have been around me you know that I actually want to get married. I want that man to sweep me off my feet and propose in an awesome way and take tons of pictures with me and all that stuff I pretend I don’t desire.

The thing is, Jesus has created me to be single right now. That is something I’ve come to terms with and I desire to be single if He wants it, but the thing I am having a hard time with is not being awesome while I wait. The funny part is, I don’t have to travel and be extreme to achieve the awesomeness I desire. I plan on being an AWANA leader this year at my church, I have a great job, I’ll be able to get my own apartment soon, and a dog. Yes, it’s normal, yes, it’s in my home town, but that’s okay because I need to put what God wants from me first and I am being humbled in so many ways.

¹¹ For I know the plansI have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.” Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Soli Deo Gloria

Being Called?

Conviction is something I have not truly experienced in a long time. I want to feel that “Don’t do it!” sensation from the Holy Spirit, but my heart has become so callused that I have a difficult time determining if it’s the Spirit speaking to me or a knowledge that I should not do whatever action.

Because of that confusion, I am unsure about a calling that I may be feeling. I have always known my life was made to serve Christ and to devote to ministry of some type, but over the last few years I have been confused about where that will be.

See, before I came to college, I thought that I would be sent to a foreign country. I thought that either China or Africa were the two places I could go to serve Christ. The thing is, I only knew of those two nations. I didn’t realize that there were other places that needed Jesus desperately. I could not see past the end of my own nose, but lately that has changed.

I honestly believe I may be called to the inner city. I don’t know which city. Maybe Seattle, Spokane, Washington DC, LA, Tacoma, New York, or all of them, but planning again is shortening my vision. I need to go where Jesus leads me and not where I most want to go. I need to want His Will. Not just be resigned to it, but to actually desire what He wants because He is good and right.

I want to reach these kids. I want to marry a man whose desire is to introduce teenagers to Christ. Teenagers who are in gangs and one-parent homes and into drugs and drinking and everything the world says will fulfill them. I want to reach them. It’s not because I understand them or have had to deal with any of the above, but because my heart breaks for them. I want to show them the better Way. I want to be that person they can talk to and feel safe around.

Unlovable

**With Valentine’s Day coming up a lot of girls I know are struggling with their singleness. I want you to know you’re not alone and God will work through this, but it takes letting go which is something I am still trying to do.**

I have been wrestling. You may say I’ve been wrestling with God, or my self-worth, or any other number of things, but there has been this internal struggle since I was about 17 and it has only grown. There are times when I can put it away and ignore it, but there are times when it affects my entire life. That’s what’s going on right now and that’s why I’m writing this.

I have always had a difficult time with self-worth. I know this is nothing new and something that most women deal with at one time or another, but I do much better with things when I put them out in words.

So, here’s the deal: most of you know that I have been saying that I would be okay with being single for the rest of my life. As much as I pretended that it was because I was content in Christ and wanted to follow Him wherever He led, there has been something more.

I don’t see myself as lovable.

Sure, I have friends and Jesus and a wonderful family, but they see me in a different way. I have never been loved in the way most women have experienced by the time they’re 22 years old. I have never been kissed, or been on a date where the guy asks me out, plans it, and goes the whole nine yards. I have never been pursued by a guy who won’t let me run away. Sure there have been guys who have shown interest, but the moment I get scared and put up my defenses, they run away and don’t even try to get over the walls I have built.

Reading/writing this I have the thought of “well then it’s your fault” running through my mind. Maybe if I just let someone in this once I’ll get that love I crave. The thing is, not getting that love is what has caused me to be like this and see myself as not good enough. There have been 4 guys throughout my life that I have wanted to be with more than any others. None of them were after my heart, though, and that taught me that, no matter how much I want something, I will never get it.

The thing is, I know this is a lie. I know that God has something better planned for me, whether it be singleness or marriage, but I have a hard time believing it. My mind tells me that Jesus gives me the love I need and desire and that no man can fill that, but my heart says that love is all I will get because no man can love me; Jesus and Daddy are the only ones who can see past all my defenses and love me despite my failings.

I don’t have a resolution for this note. I am still struggling with it and praying it out and asking that God takes this lie from my heart and stomps it out, but I’m going to admit that I still am having a hard time letting it go.

The Decision

Alright guys, I’m going to try this weight-losing thing again. I have decided to do the Paleo Challenge which pretty much goes back to the original human’s diet. Meat, veggies, fruit, eggs, nuts and seeds will be the primary foods with black coffee, water, and tea as the drinks of choice. I will also be running for about 20 minutes during my lunch breaks from now on.

The challenge lasts for 30 days (which is good cause I don’t think I would be able to avoid Christmas candy for more than a few days).

We’ll see how this goes. Pictures for now versus later on will be posted tomorrow =D